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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Stacking Glasses

There is a sitcom on TV called "How I met your mother". I've only seen one episode and I do not recall whether I stayed for the whole thing (It's not very good -- sorry all you "How I met your mother fans"!). It stars some no name actors along with Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser M.D.), not that he is a "big" name actor or anything, I just know who he is. Harris's character is a "Ladies Man" on the show which I find very ironic since in real life he is actually a butt pirate. All this is unimportant, I'm just trying to get you to recall the show and I wanted to write "butt pirate" because I think it sounds funny.

The reason I want you to recall the show is because I am really hoping you saw a specific episode, the one about "stacking glasses". I looked for the episode title on Wikipedia but did not really want to take the time to read through each episodes description to see if they mentioned it. If I get really, really, really, really, REALLY bored one night I will look it up and post the name.

During this episode the characters are having a conversation about inappropriate/inopportune times to laugh (funerals, quiet elevators w/strangers, work meetings, church) and how once you start you cannot stop. They related this feeling to that of stacking glasses. Imagine taking a pint glass and staking another on top of it rim to rim and then another on top of that bottom to bottom and then rim to rim and so on. Eventually you will get to the point where the weight of the glasses show the imperfections in your stacking and you get a mess of pint glass in the floor.

This really struck home because this happens to me often. Every time I get on an elevator with a stranger I bite my lip to keep from horse laughing at absolutely nothing. I think it is just the awkwardness combined with my imagination (or that I farted just before they got on the elevator and I'm trying to pretend it doesn't smell like burnt hair and rotten cabbage). The worst times are when my boss is talking to me about something serious and in the way back of my mind I start thinking "this would be a bad time to laugh" and then the glasses stack and eventually tumble. All this leads to a story and while telling it my "inside thoughts" will be in parenthesis (<--These-->).

Yesterday my wife and I went to the lady/baby doctor for her 36 week check up (cervix probing). They have two waiting rooms, a big one you sit in first and then they call your name only to go back and sit in the small room. The small room is about 15'x15', with no windows, has 14 chairs lined up around the walls so everyone is looking at each other, and the thermostat is set on 1500 degrees Fahrenheit. We waited in the big room for five or ten minutes until we were called back (Wa-hoo, we won!) to the small room (ah crap, its a gift card to Applebees). We waited 20 minutes and then went back for an ultrasound. When the ultrasound was over we were herded back to the waiting room (hot box). After about 30-40 minutes of our second stint in the small waiting room I started getting sleepy from the heat and boredom. I laid my head back and closed my eyes and then I felt Yegi lay her head on my shoulder and do the same. After a couple minutes of me trying to sleep the lady on the opposite wall from us answered her phone and this conversation ensued:

"Hello" (dang it, I was almost asleep)
"He's not here right now, can I take a message?" (WTHeck, are you at home? Where am I?)
"Oh, hey what did you find out?" (shut up, I'm trying to sleep)
"Did they get the DNA results back" (this is going to be interesting)
"I don't know, he ain't called me." (people still use "ain't"?)
"blah, blah, blah" (don't think about what she said, you WILL laugh)
"blah, blah, blah" (doing good, just block it out and go to sleep)
"bye" (thank you Lord!)

Then with no warning at all she (R - for redneck woman) turns to the stranger (S - for stranger) next to her and says this:

R: "Yeah, my brother got told he was a baby's daddy." (wait, what did she say?)
S: "Oh" (glad I've got my eyes closed and she's not talking to me)
R: "The girl actually named 6 or 7 guys that could be the baby's daddy" (I wonder if Yegi's hearing this?) (she just poked me so yeah she's hearing it, this will make interesting convo later)
S: "Oh" (she just poked me agian -- Yes I'm hearing this too, stop poking me.)
R: "He says it ain't his but he had to take a DNA test to prove it." (Pokes me three times real hard -- Dang it Yegi! Stop poking me, I'm gonna lose it! - the first three glasses stack)
S: "Oh, that's unfortunate." (What's unfortunate is that I am going to start cackling because my wife is poking me like a red-headed wood pecker every half second unless I acknowledge her - two more glasses go up)
R: "The results are suppose to come in today and he has to go down to the courthouse to get them because they won't tell him over the phone" (Yegi pokes me three more times - 10 more glasses are stacked and I began laughing)

At this point people stop looking and listening to her and start looking at me. I tried to play it off as if I was talking and joking with Yegi but I don't think they bought it. Especially since Yegi was giving me the "stop laughing and don't look at me" look and trying to pretend she did not know me.

Luckily a few minutes later we were called back to a room and were able to debrief about what just happened and how poking me only stacked more glasses. I'm sure next time she will help me out...